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08 December 2011

Womanness

It has been an exciting week.  I really don't want it to ever end.   I spent the last couple of days, looking at information to include in my last paper for the semester and making arrangements for the wedding.  Today, I went to the doctor, and had a little chat about the magic little pill that is suppose allow me to keep balance in my life: be married, have a job, and go to school. I really struggle with the idea of taking the magic pills (I can't seem to even say the c-word in my blog, although I had fun talking about it with my family doctor). I did find out some interesting information about the magic pill and those nasty headaches I get from time to time.  Very interesting.

I guess I struggle with the idea of taking magic pills because I struggle with the idea of myself.  I still, I am beginning to realize, struggle with my identity, my role in my family and my society, my womanness. I see this whenever we sit down with to Pastor Officiator and Officiator Wife and have pre-marriage counselling.   I also see it whenever Mother In Law, the conservative dear that she is, tries to impose her good old fashion cultural values on me (values that Beloved grew up in, and are part of the reason I love him). I also see it whenever Mother and I discuss what nuptial traditions I will keep (like wearing a white dress) and what I will discard (like wearing a veil over my face or wearing a grater).  I see this when I wish my big sister Renee was here to help me choice which picture to include in the wedding invitation.  I also see this when Beloved, my sweet Beloved foots a bill that I caused.

You may wonder why I choice the non-word womanness over femininity.  If you do, you are a very thoughtful person.  I use the non-word over the word because femininity, which is defined by google as the traits of behaving in ways  considered typical for a woman, is just that.  It is typical, socially acceptable,defined.  It is something you can find in books and google.  Womanness on the other had is personal to me.  At age 25 I feel like it is something I am still stepping into. Personally I love words that end with the suffix "ness", which denotes the state of something.  Womanness to me is the state of being a woman.  What does that mean exactly?  I can't tell you exactly. I am one woman with many sisters, and they are still discovering  their own womanness. One of the things that is tied to my womanness is taking a magic pill.

Why do I?  I wish I didn't have to.  I know I don't have to.  In fact, the voice of the doctrine of the church I went to as a teenager tells me it is sin.  The voice of the science teacher and the moral decision teacher at the Catholic junior college I went to tells me it is sin.  The voice of my mother in law and her good old Mennonite ways tells me it is bad for me. The voice of the electronic representation of my older sister who is so far away from me tells me there are other ways. Basically, for me, as a woman in Belize, a university student, and an employee, I  need to.  Any other options are not a) available b) financially viable c) would cause me to sin against myself and deprive me of my purpose at the present. Since Beloved and I have decided to shack up in his little house after the wedding, there would not be space for a baby anyway.

I realize this post is probably way more personal them any of my readers care for, but this is my thoughts.  This is who I am.  Who I am going to be: a magic pill popping wife, student and herbalist. Call it a contradiction, but I call it the crazy balance in my life.

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