What's there to be afaid of?

I wish I was the typical girl that I think typical girls are like. I was, I would tell you all about how I spent my Saturday night and I would go over the details and sigh here and there. But I am not. I have a silly fear of looking like a fool or being assumption. Funny how I am not shy enough to walk into a factory of guys to find something for a customer, or I am not afraid of people's harsh judgments, nor am I sacred of the future in the age of a world wide financial crisis, BUT I am terrified to express my thought about one person, in a blog that is all about expressing myself.

Afraid to express myself in a place that I built specially to express myself is a strange thing. I might have problems. The truth is, I am afraid to express myself to anyone about this certain thing nowadays. I don't think they would understand, and that their conclusions would hurt them. I am also afraid that expressing myself clearly to the right people would alter my life greatly. My alliances would change. The future would look bright but some how that scares me.

Someday those fears will ripped open and exposed. Then I would be released.

Back in the day

Back in the day, I was eccentric. I was not your normal wild girl, but I was not your average good girl either. I did crazy things without thought of the consequences, but my motives where always single hearted: To do something interesting and provoke thought. I would often take a crowd of friends some where dark to watch the stars, stay up until in the ween hours of the morning talking to a guy friend on the street in front of his apartment, and a few times, I would single-womanly go with a bunch of guys for a midnight run in the park. My highlights of my youth, however, were stranger than that. If anyone who didn't know me well knew about it, they would be shocked. I once told my mother about the few unplanned trips to my favourite spot after night classes or when a "thinking" friend was in town and she warned me to be careful, because people would not think that visiting that place was harmless. They wouldn't see the poetry in it, but rather they would see something carnal, something vile it. I should be careful.

So the other evening I was once again, after two years of being a mature young woman with the pettiness of my youth locked down, had plans to do a very mature thing. Plans changed in an instant, however, and suddenly a friend and I had nothing to do. I tried to do something mature and responsible and politically virtuous, but that plan failed too. Think, what to do, what to do... in a brief moment of hesitation the I decided to visit my poetry spot. I would take my friend out there for the first time and we would enjoy the quietness and the magic of the spot as I did with my school buddies a few other years ago. I gave a pep talk and listed the basic rules. I claimed that I never met anyone out there except those I went with, but in cause we did meet someone this is what we should do. Funny that I said that, because I never did before....

It turns out that was sort of a prophesy. We did meet someone out there. The thought of it sickens me still. I feel violated although nothing happened. I think in some time in the future I am going to need therapy because of it. I was shocked out of my socks. I don't think I will ever visit my spot in the moonlight again. Oh I will go there, but during the day, when tourist are about and the shadows don't hide anything.

I told my mother it was perfectly save out there and that I was a girl committed to thinking and pondering and I go to places like that for adventure and clear air. She told me that others are not and someday I would find that my spot is not an innocent place. It turns out, she was right. People do go there and they go there for dishonourable reasons....Horrors!

WD's

For me, working at Western Dairies, is a let down. It is not my type of work really. I love serving customers, and I am glad for the chance to work in order to go to college, but it is far from my dream job.

But there is one plus this job offers me. The small talk I make with customers often leads to interesting tidbits of information or some sort of insight. One customer claims that I served him so well and he enjoyed his ice cream so much that he brought me a ten pound bag of freshly farmed shrimp. But the ice cream on the cake was meeting Leo's maternal grandfather. We were slow at the time he came and ordered five pizzas so he and I chatted. He was amused that Leo and I are friends and the fact that, although I look like Mennonites, cannot speak German.

Finding out that this customer was my college chum's family was fun and simple to do. See Leo and Tracey have become sort of a my Orange Walk reference. Any time I have a chance to chat with my customers to find out where they are coming from. Once someone mentions they are from Suga City my face lights up and I think about my buddies. If I have the time, I play the name game and see if these new friends know my friends.

This time the game lead to some info that I just might use in the further....Moowooohaaa!

A quote I found in my dictionary...

"A seamless fusion of beauty and intelligence" by Jack Kroll. Who was this Jack Kroll? I did a web search after I came this quote in my Miriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. I found that he was an editor of some newspaper, somewhere in the US. I can go the rest of my life without learning more about him but some how his quote found its place in my heart. It will always be in the forefront of my mind.

First of all I love his word choice. It is poetic but also scientific. The idea of Beauty and Intelligence being held together by fusion in one subject adds to the idea that there is indeed intelligence in this subject of beauty and smarts. Seamless! How I love that word. I do not use it often because I do not what corrupt it. It is one of those magic words that can when used in the right place, add the right touch and make the touch thoroughly expressed. Seamless or without seams, no scars or breaks or difference. It means that when two things are joined so perfectly that there is no real difference between them. The are two separate things but not really separate. What makes his subject smart makes her intelligence. Smooth and creamy flowing together. Seamless makes me think of the taste of expensive chocolate melting in my mouth. I love it. Seamless is beauty.

I also love this quote because I would love it was said of me. In fact, it has become a personal goal to make my beauty be seamless to my intelligence. I am both smart and pretty. I am sure of that. But to be seamlessly so.... In my life I have been complemented for being pretty (and other variations of the word) but I have been rarely called smart. I know I am though. There are some things that public opinion do not need to confirm

Concerts

So my little sister-friend wants to go to the Tercer Cielo concert in Orange Walk on the 20th of December. It is her favourite band, and although they are a little too romantic for my taste, I can appreciate them. The fact that they will be in Belize is very thrilling for her. I for one have always wanted to "walk bout ina Suga City" myself so I am making plans to give my sista a Christmas gift. Anyone have any ideas how to make it happen?

Kitten or puppies?

So it was a tragedy. First degree murder really. We found her with her head bashed in with a stone three times the size of her body. I still feel bad about it, not that I had a lot of affection for her, but the way she was murdered makes me sad... how could someone do such a thing? How can such horrible things happen?

My cat, Mixita (Mishita), was named after a local Mayan term for small cat... she was indeed a petite thing, a small white cat with a few patches of orange that told of her secret Calico race.... She served my family as general pest control well for almost four years. She endured the trauma of house moving, which most cats find overwhelming, with ease that put me to shame. With her service I never had to kill roach, nor rat or keep the birds out of the garden (although she was trained to not kill birds) and she kept our dogs, as annoying as they can be, in line in and in shape. The only real annoyance she was to me was that she used to sneak in through the bathroom window at night and sleep on the sofa and leave cat hair and once she had kittens on my white dress that I put in the laundry basket.... but those bothers are light in the fact that I will no longer have my Mixita to hold. I will never laugh at her tiny paws boxing Big Rocky and putting him in his place. Now, the birds are eating the berries off my tree and the geckos are getting out of control. I miss my Mixita... oh that I loved you more!

A week before her murder, she gave birth to four healthy kittens. Since then Lady, my mom's cocker spaniel has decided to mother them. The little dog is old and can't have any more of her own puppies, and the truth be told she was always jealous of Mixita's kittens and used to try to steal them. With joy she has taken up the job of bathing and snuggling the four orphans. For obvious reasons she can't nurse her charges so my mom and I take up the feeding aspect of kitten raising, although Lady is the chief guardian. I don't think she even realized that they are cats, rather then dogs... see enjoys being mommy once again that that is all that matters.

The kittens are six weeks old now and we are weaning them. Anyone interested in kittens? They are as well mannered as their mothers and really are sweet things. I am not a pet person and I am still getting connected to them. So if you or anyone you know needs a cat, let me know. They will only go to the best homes!

Dream Children.

I just realized that I would rather work hard for my dreams than other wise. Someday when I am in my BIG DREAM in the real, I will be happy for what I did.

When I have my children it is going to be tough to find the balance between providing for them and making things too easy. I want to be able to help them achieve their dreams but I don't want them to take it for granted either. So I was just musing on that for a bit when I had this thought:
The only way I can provide for my future children's dream and have them genuinely own them is to live mine and give them a platform. Finances and help may or may not be the best way to go, but if I can inspire them to work and hard plan well (and learn from my mistakes) they will be ok.

Some times I am impatient to get to know my children in the future. I think they are going to be some great people to share life with. Let's see if I continue the process of life and be the woman God has made to be so I can a great person to share their life too...

Don't get bugged by my musing....

Jobs

My latest job has had me thinking about my career life so far in my life. I started working since I was 14 years old. Most of my jobs have involved the food service industry someway or the other. Funny because I do not like working with food. I am not a good cook and I don't really enjoy working with food. I don't get the surge of joy and accomplishment that other people have when others eat up their delights. Once upon a time I used to enjoy waitressing. It was fun to meet people and make small talk, entertaining local and international tourist with different tidbits of information. My brother once claimed that I was geisha, but I had charm and grace. But that season of my life is gone. The upclose and personal and progressiveness of teaching has spoiled my appreciation for customer service. Now I think it is all vain... In light of the thrilling of watching and helping little people change as they learn and grow, the small talk and tidbits are never ending and repeative. It is really dull.



But now that I am embarking on another adventure, I have to endure yet another job with food and customers.... Sigh.

This too shall pass

Getting old (er)

I just realized that I am 23 and 1/2 years old. I am getting old. At this point of life the philosophies I formed as a teenager are being tested. About every day people ask me "are you still waiting for...." (for of the many things I am waiting for).

Yes I am still waiting. I wait for two reason:
1. Life is beautiful when things happen in God's timing.
2. Waiting build strength.

So I am still waiting.

Brothers

For the last two monthes, my brother and his wife were staying with my mother and I. It is always a joy to have my siblings home, but with that joy come with plenty of stresses. I am proud to announce to the world that last November my neice made me a grand-auntie and this November coming, my brother is going to make me an auntie. While the prospects of being an auntie is thrilling, living with pregnancy was a lesson for me to learn. I am glad I was part of this season in her life. It was a challenge, and sometimes I almost gave in to feeling mad and tired. But the love we have for each other made our family bonds stronger. This afternoon after rushing to the border at Melchor to take my brother and his wife to the bus to go back to Guate, I emotion I felt while dashing to the bus before it left them was sweeping. Their was a slight pause in the rush when everything silenced and tears swelled in my eyes. It was movie like. The pause was deafening. Then the bus drove off and life began again. Mom and I jumped in the car and crossed the border, back to Cayo. After two months of investing in their lives I am left allow again.

Now, if I get all torn up when my grown up and married brother leaves home to go back to his house and life, how I am going to live through my own Great Departure that I am dreaming about?