I am back to school with a wonderful Christmas-New Years vacation behind me. Beloved had a two week vacation that coincided with my 5 weeks off of school. We did not get as much done as we had hoped... my house is a mess, the porch still sags, no painting was done and the yard still isn't converted from the cattle pasture it once was....Worse of all, no garden was planted and no goats brought the place. In fact, the whole list of things to go only has one thing marked off: Hang out with Beloved.
See, for the last three months Beloved has been working on a job out of town. Since commuting is out of the question, Beloved stays in the beautiful town of Dangriga, a fishing town on the coast of southern Belize. I go when I can, but various emergencies kept me home... alone. While I tried to make the best of the situation, I really missed my beau...
But being unable to make the two hour bus trip to spend the night with the one that makes my heart sings, also taught me a few things. First of all, Belizeans are still very sexist. I love living in Belize and while I wish to visit some other places, there is no place I would rather be right now. It bothers me that so many people think that, just because I am a woman, I should not stay in my own hosue alone. I love the privacy. I rather not shop around to all my sister-friends and practically beg them to come and sleep over. I also do not like it when a sister or two have other things to do, like sleep at their own houses, but come over to mine so that I am not alone. They should not be obligated. I have my pepper spray and my flashlight. I know how to use a telephone and a machete, in case of emergancies. I am a big girl. I am not a child.
The other thing that I have realized learned about myself, is how much I actually get done when I am home alone. There is something about my Beloved that makes me want to just chill. It is really hard to do any thing when he is around. We usually spend our days laying in bed together, watching pirated re-runs of The Big Bang Theory, cuddle, talk, and pray together. There is something delicious about just hanging out with my Beloved that I just can't get enough of, so when he is home for the weekned, don't expect to see me.
When people wink and smile when I say something like that, it makes me what to preach. Of course Beloved and I have sex and we both like it, so don't worry. But what I am really trying to say is that I am delighted in my Beloved. After a 11 months, 2 weeks and 4 days (give or take) Beloved has become my best friend. I don't see my inablity to do anything other then just hang out with the man as a bad thing. I mean I know there is a healthy limit to a dirty-dishes pile-up, but the key to our happy marriage is the fact that there is no place we would rather be then just hanging out. Maybe it is healthy for us that he is so far away during the week and not eating up each other's day, and maybe our desire to spend all day in each other's arms will wear off, but I never what to lose this delight I have in him. Even when I am royally angry, he makes me smile.
This leads me to the last point of this discussion. How does one go about sharing with one's partner when it is limited to random text during the days, a few minutes of phone calls during the evenings, and weekend visits? How does one remember to talk about the important list? How does one get all the honey-do's and visiting others as a couple when it is restricted to such? I recently make a huge mistake by committing myself, and indirectly, Beloved, to some thing without discussing it with him first because whenever we did get together it never came up. I went ahead and made the decision thinking that I would sit him down and discuss with him during the weekend, but the weekend never came. When the day arrived, Beloved was in the dark and not very happy. Poor thing. For this reason I have learned to trust text messaging. If he needs to know more about it, we speak over the phone. I never wait until the weekend to talk about my day an and the choices I made. This not only avoids furture break downs but it also helps him feel up to speed to what is going on back home so that he does not have to catch up where we left off on Monday morning.
The bottom lines is this. I know that Spanish Lookout to Dangriga is not very far, not relatively far as other's who loved ones live in other countries and continents... But really for me, whenever Beloved is further then arm's length away, it hurts. I am my Beloved's and he is mine...
2 comments:
Beth! You're so strong and brave! I suppose I would be the stereotypical woman who cries without her man at night and who would be terrified of being in a house all alone feeling like no one would hear me scream because the neighbours aren't as close to my dwelling as the ones in my childhood. You make me want to seek you as the sister to ask to come stay over when I'm alone. Stay brave, woman! :)
Fel! Thanks for writing.... We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I think that we as women are taught to be sacred when we are alone.
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