Back in the day

Back in the day, I was eccentric. I was not your normal wild girl, but I was not your average good girl either. I did crazy things without thought of the consequences, but my motives where always single hearted: To do something interesting and provoke thought. I would often take a crowd of friends some where dark to watch the stars, stay up until in the ween hours of the morning talking to a guy friend on the street in front of his apartment, and a few times, I would single-womanly go with a bunch of guys for a midnight run in the park. My highlights of my youth, however, were stranger than that. If anyone who didn't know me well knew about it, they would be shocked. I once told my mother about the few unplanned trips to my favourite spot after night classes or when a "thinking" friend was in town and she warned me to be careful, because people would not think that visiting that place was harmless. They wouldn't see the poetry in it, but rather they would see something carnal, something vile it. I should be careful.

So the other evening I was once again, after two years of being a mature young woman with the pettiness of my youth locked down, had plans to do a very mature thing. Plans changed in an instant, however, and suddenly a friend and I had nothing to do. I tried to do something mature and responsible and politically virtuous, but that plan failed too. Think, what to do, what to do... in a brief moment of hesitation the I decided to visit my poetry spot. I would take my friend out there for the first time and we would enjoy the quietness and the magic of the spot as I did with my school buddies a few other years ago. I gave a pep talk and listed the basic rules. I claimed that I never met anyone out there except those I went with, but in cause we did meet someone this is what we should do. Funny that I said that, because I never did before....

It turns out that was sort of a prophesy. We did meet someone out there. The thought of it sickens me still. I feel violated although nothing happened. I think in some time in the future I am going to need therapy because of it. I was shocked out of my socks. I don't think I will ever visit my spot in the moonlight again. Oh I will go there, but during the day, when tourist are about and the shadows don't hide anything.

I told my mother it was perfectly save out there and that I was a girl committed to thinking and pondering and I go to places like that for adventure and clear air. She told me that others are not and someday I would find that my spot is not an innocent place. It turns out, she was right. People do go there and they go there for dishonourable reasons....Horrors!